Never in my life did I think I'd have children... As I grew older and reached age 24/25 I began getting "baby fever" for some strange reason.. Maybe it was because I had been together with my significant other for 9 years.. And married for almost 2 years. Maybe it was a biological response? Either way.. I ended up pregnant shortly before my husband and I had signed on our first house together. Not knowing I was pregnant at the time it was quite the shock and surprise to us both. I remember that day vividly. But nonetheless I knew I was keeping the baby... We had been together and through so much to terminate.. Plus the thought of that made me sob. Fast forward through the pregnancy from hell and now I'm 2 months post partum. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was 18 and a freshman in college..i knew I always had anxiety but never sought help and medication until this time when this huge life change threw me for a loop. I knew when I found out I was pregnant that I needed to seek the help of my psychiatrist ASAP to discuss the medication I was on. Turns out the lower the dose/no medication was best. So I went to the lowest dose possible.. Unsure if I'd be able to handle it. I went to the lowest dose of my medication quicker than most.. But knowing it was best for my little squishy was enough for me to push through all the hormonal changes. Now that im 2 months pp and almost back to work... Ppd has hit me full swing.. On top of feeling anxious.. Depression is what I feel when the anxiety is gone. It's the hardest thing so far that I've had to deal with, especially being a new mom on top of it. I want to blog about my journey because right now I feel like I'm in my "rock bottom" and once I'm better I want to reflect on how far I've come. In hopes it makes me realize just how strong I am. But some days.. It feels impossible to overcome. But ultimately all I have to do is look into the beautiful big blue eyes of my baby girl. Miss ryleigh jade. And I know I'll overcome.. For her.. For me.. For once I'm determined to do whatever it takes to get better because she deserves my best. Regardless of my marriage issues, debt, and a stressful career... I'm pushing through for her. I knew that having a history of anxiety and depression I was at risk for ppd and ppa.. But I was hoping and praying i wasn't affected. I hoped and prayed that I could manage to talk myself through the post partum issues and hormones but unfortunately that's not seeming so...its crazy because the average person thinks "talk to someone... Reach out" but when you're in the moment.. And suffering.. It isn't so easy... And with my OB taking me off work another 2 weeks.. And even saying himself "I feel every mom deserves AT LEAST 12 weeks." is saying something... Why does America have such a shitty maternity leave?? I get Fmla working for the courthouse.... THATS IT! 65 percent of my pay and all they care about is that I am "healed" and "physically able" to return to work. BULLSHIT!! Even for moms who don't suffer from ppa or ppd... You want a society of successful human beings.. Let mothers.. Fathers... Spend more time RAISING their children instead of being thrown back into the work force with hormones and all sorts of physical and mental ailments. And so soon after being pregnant and giving birth. Imagine carrying and growing something... SOMEONE so little and fragile.. Delivering them and being told "get back to work." enough about that... Post partum depression and anxiety is nothing to be taken lightly. I have an amazing support system and family and I'm still struggling sooo much... More than I ever have my entire life. And the only thing that keeps me going... Is my baby girl. I can't imagine some moms who commit suicide because of this...i can see where they get the idea and feeling for sure... And i cant even imagine how much worse off they are than I. It's ridiculous.. And so sad...
